The More Awesome Version of Naruto
by GenerallyHappy
Summary: This is a parody of how I would have the Naruto saga play out. If you like Sasuke you might not want to read this. But I pretty much make fun of all characters created by masashi kishimoto. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

Have you ever wondered what would happen if Dani got a hold of the Naruto storyline? What would be different? What would change? Would Sasuke actually kill his elder brother? Would Naruto ever become the Hokage? Would Akatsuki win the day? Well, you're in luck! Today is your lucky day! You will experience the thrill of Naruto, Dani style!*

***Warning: Reading of this story may cause heartburn or nausea. Some people have even experienced Temporary Brain Cancer from reading this story. Side effects from reading this story may include temporary loss of vision, difficulty breathing or sudden loss of appetite. Consult your doctor before reading this story as it may have severe side effects. If you have no sense of humor or possibly might develop no sense of humor from reading this story, discontinue use immediately. **

Well, this story begins just like in the original storyline when Naruto becomes a part of Hatake Kakashi's Genin team. Kakashi starts off with his ever infamous introduction.

"Good morning students! Why don't we introduce ourselves?"

"I'm confused. Why don't you introduce yourself first so we know how's it done?" Sasuke said quite stupidly. Yes, in this version of Naruto, Sasuke's incredibly stupid. Ninja genius my ass, everyone just pretends that he's a ninja genius to make him feel better after his clan was massacred by Itachi. _Good God, he's stupid! I can't believe that the Hokage forces everyone to pretend that he's a ninja genius! / _Kakashi screamed inside his head.

"Well, just say your name, your likes and dislikes, hobbies, ambitions, things like that. I'm Hatake Kakashi. I like and dislike many things. Almost everyone has hobbies except for complete utter retards. And my ambition is to get these introductions over with as soon as possible. Naruto, you can go first."

"Well, my name is Uzumaki Naruto and I love ramen, eat ramen and dream of ramen. I hate retards that pretend they're ninja geniuses. And I want to become the Hokage to show up supposed ninja geniuses, cough, Sasuke, cough!" _That idiot! Sasuke's not suppose to know that he's an utter retard! _Kakashi silently tries to kill Naruto. Sasuke, being an utter retard, has no idea that Naruto is speaking about him. _Oh thank God Sasuke's an utter retard and that he hasn't caught on to Mission: Make Sasuke Believe He's A Ninja Genius Even Though He Is An Utter Retard So He Doesn't Go Psycho For Power To Kill Itachi For Revenge. I can't believe that the Hokage would have all the people in Konoha pretend he's a ninja genius just so that he can claim that the Uchiha clan is still strong on the village insurance forms. The only other Uchiha is that S-Class level criminal so he can no longer be covered by any of the village's insurance policies. Inconsiderate bastard totally ignored protocol. The 20 billion dollar life insurance policy on the Uchiha clan does not account for self-extermination of a clan by its members. Asshole had the audacity to kill everyone but the stupid one! Why didn't Itachi just kill all the members and save us the effort of pretending!_

"Okay Sakura you can go." Sakura looks at Sasuke while grinning and grimacing, so she was grinnacing at him. Now you all are like, what the heck?! Well in this version of Naruto, Sakura and all the girls of the village are only in love with Sasuke because he sort of looks like Itachi. But since Sasuke is an utter retard he believes that they love him for being a ninja genius.

"I like an S-Class level ninja Itachhh... I mean I like Sasuke. Yes, that's it!" Sasuke looks at Sakura with a bewildered look while thinking. _It almost sounded like she was going to say Itachi I think she might have some sort of speech impediment, she might have to go to speech therapy. _Kakashi's thoughts while he is glaring at Sakura for almost blowing everyone's hard work of pretending that Sasuke's a ninja genius. _Even in the original storyline she is in love with an Uchiha. What is with these women and their infernal love of Uchiha men? Don't they realize that all Uchiha have bad fashion sense! There are perfectly willing men to date them that actually possibly posses the ability of picking out decent attire! _Kakashi continues his inner tirade on how women are completely barking when it comes to the dating world.

"Can I go next?!" Sasuke yells while running around like an utter retard.

"Sure I don't care." Kakashi replies, popping multiple aspirins into his mouth.

"My name is Uchiha Sasuke and I am a ninja genius!" A surprised intake of breathe is heard all over Konoha. Yeah it's not like everyone in Konoha is forced to pretend that Sasuke's a ninja genius or anything.

"I don't really know what I like and I really hate a certain person and have sworn to kill him!" Sakura's thoughts: _He can't possibly want my darling Itachi dead! Why my darling would even want to leave Konoha is beyond me. You didn't have to leave me my darling; I would have harbored you from the Konoha police! _Itachi's voiced thoughts as he is reading this story over Dani's shoulder: "My Darling?! My Darling?! What the fuck?! Dani, you ass! I'm your favorite character! You can't have that pink-haired nitwit be infatuated with me! I left Konoha because it's filled with utter imbeciles like my brother and that insipid Haruno girl!"

"Actually Itachi that's politically incorrect. You're not supposed to use the word imbecile; they changed it to retard."

"What?! Since when?! Ah shit!" Itachi grabs a book labeled 1,000 Words Used to Describe People Like Sasuke. "Ok, let's see... Imbecile: a word referring to a mentally inferior individual but is considered politically incorrect when used by Mangekyou Sharingan users when referring to said Mangekyou Sharingan users' dumber younger brother. What the.. Who wrote this?" Itachi looked at the inside cover of the impromptu dictionary only to find out that it was written by Danika Lenard. "Figured as much, I think you should write a revised version of Naruto where I rule the world. That'd be a best seller."

"Just shut up. Here have a kumquat!" Dani screams while bodily throwing a lumpy greenish-purple umbrella looking vegetable at Itachi's face but due to his incredibly fast reflexes, he is able to avoid it.

"Why would I want a kumquat? I don't even know what a kumquat is!"

"Come on. They don't taste that bad. Just try one."

"Over my dead body!"

"Well fine I didn't want to do this but you've forced me!" Dani begins typing more of the story: Itachi, due to a lack of the mineral Xephanon-5 which can only be found in kumquats begins to lose his Mangekyou Sharingan.

"Fine! I'll eat your damn kumquat!" Itachi bites into the nasty purple mass.

"Yeah you're right. This doesn't taste too bad... It tastes like ass!!"

Well anyway on with the story as we skip a couple dozen manga chapters and many humiliating defeats for Sasuke at the hands of enemy ninjas and proceed to the Chuunin Exam. Team Seven approaches the door to the exam room.

"Well here we are." Sasuke says quite stupidly. Sakura's thoughts: _Doesn't he realize that this is the wrong door? _Just then Neji's team shows up. Tenten's thoughts: _Why couldn't Sasuke be Itachi? _Lee's thoughts: _If I cannot beat that supposed ninja genius I must run around in circles 10,000 times. Why do all the girls in Konoha love Sasuke just because he looks like Itachi? They don't look at all alike! And Itachi looks fat in that Akatsuki uniform! I wonder if Neji will battle me?... _Lee's inner monologue goes on for about 50 more pages and will not be discussed. Neji's thoughts: _Dear God he's stupid! Why didn't Itachi actually kill him instead of forcing us to suffer? I should go complain to that idiotic author. Why Itachi hasn't kill her is beyond me!" _Dani is staring at the computer screen hoping that Itachi wouldn't realize that he could actually kill her and end this horrible story. Itachi meanwhile is in the author's room wondering why she has so many pictures of him.

"By Job! I do believe she's stalking me!" Itachi after this brilliant insight uses Katon Gyoukyu no Jutsu and totally incinerates Dani's room. Dani meanwhile is thinking of ways to punish Neji for daring to complain about her story, the insolent fool! Back to Rock Lee. Yes Lee still has a crush on Sakura in this story, so he proceeds to stalk team seven and challenges Sasuke to a fight. _How dare that inferior brain-dead monkey look so much like Itachi. I look more like Itachi than he does. Ninja genius my ass! I will use the overflowing power of youth to defeat that utter retard! _Lee proceeds to beat Sasuke up. Naruto who just like in the original storyline pretends to be unconscious until he realizes that Lee is totally ignoring the script. _That moron! He's supposed to pretend that Sasuke's a ninja genius. _Thinking quickly, Naruto uses Inviso Buushin no Jutsu which produces 12 invisible buushin to beat up Lee, so it looks like Sasuke's actually winning. Itachi falls over in hysterics while eating a ham sandwich.

"Inviso Buushin no Jutsu?! You made that up! There's no such thing as Inviso Buushin no Jutsu! This story just gets dumber and dumber!" Itachi realizing his mistake starts backing away from the deranged author while hiding behind the ham sandwich. How many hits can the ham sandwich take is up to you! Roll d4 dice to find out! Too bad. The ham sandwich has only two hit points left. Will Itachi and his precious ham sandwich survive? Just when Dani is about to deal the final blow to the ham sandwich with a ladle; there's a knock at the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**// Review if you want this is just a crack pot story that I do for fun or to avoid work //**

Just when Dani is about to deal the final blow to the ham sandwich with a ladle; there's a knock at the door.

"Who could that be?" Itachi asks, hoping that Dani's incredibly short attention span makes her forget about murdering his poor innocent ham sandwich. Slam! The door flew open to reveal Neji, Byakyuugan flaring and a deadly aura of evil chakara surrounding him.

"We're saved!" Itachi screams, hugging the almost dead sandwich. I mean come on people it only has two hit points left! But because of that redundant outburst, Neji does the sealing move and seals up the ham sandwich's chakara holes, instantaneously obliterating it. Just when Itachi is about to punch the shit out of Neji for destroying his precious lunch; Dani with her amazing talents of observation realizes that Neji is no longer in the storyline.

"What are you doing here?"

"Look you sub-average monkey! My team is driving me crazy! I can't eat. I can't sleep. I don't know how much longer I can survive! Gai-sensei never shuts up about the power of youth and forces us to have bake sales! Lee believes I would look better with short hair and that Sakura should love him because he looks like Itachi more than Sasuke does."

"Wow that's creepy."

"Yes! And now Tenten is really starting to freak me out. She's running around handing out posters of Itachi and Sasuke claiming that they look exactly alike except for subtle differences. So I'm staying here until this ridiculous story ends!"

"What?! Subtle differences?! We don't look at all alike! I'm taller, much more handsome, have fully upgraded Sharingan, have scars on my cheeks and I have longer hair! Look alike my ass!" Itachi screamed while murdering Dani's pet hamster, Neils. Dani meanwhile is putting up said poster. Ahhh!! Dani if only you hadn't bought that poster off of Tenten. You only have about five hit points total whereas Itachi has about 30 octillion hit points. Itachi, holding up a strangled Neils, looks at the offensive poster.

"Dani, what is that?" Dani, very afraid, does what comes naturally to her; pin the blame on someone else.

"Neils! How could you?! You know how sensitive Itachi is about looking almost exactly like Sasuke!"

"I do not look like Sasuke! And how could Neils have possibly done that?! I just killed him!"

"Did I say Neils? I meant Neji. Neji! How dare you put such an offensive poster?!"

"What?! You brain-dead fur ball! I had nothing to do with that hideous poster!"

"Ha! See! You're in denial. That's the first thing criminals do." Itachi now holding the nearly pulverized body of Neils, walks threateningly towards Neji.

"I'm going to kill you!" Neji goes into the Hyuuga battle stance when all of a sudden two small boxes fly towards Itachi and Neji. But since Itachi has incredibly fast reflexes, he dodges the flying projectiles whereas Neji does not.

"Why don't I have incredibly fast reflexes? And why did you throw Yu-Gi-Oh decks at us?" Neji asks while picking the Yu-Gi-Oh decks off the floor.

"Well you guys can't physically battle; I don't want you destroying my house. So you'll just have to duel to see who wins."

"Yeah, we wouldn't want that happening now would we?" Itachi states while looking in the direction of Dani's room which he had previously incinerated. Neji and Itachi sat down at Dani's abnormally small coffee table to duel it out at Yu-Gi-Oh.

"Dude! You can't give yourself a million life points and me only five! That's cheating!" Neji screamed, noticing the scoreboard.

"I'm the true successor of the Sharingan I can do whatever I want!"

"Sharingan is a shoot off of Byakyuugan! So theoretically I'm superior."

"My eyes look cooler. You don't even have pupils!"

"Well whatever! Let's just get this over with."

**Five Minutes Later:**

"Ha! I win!" Itachi begins to dance around like a ninny.

"Probably because I only had five life points! But at least I don't look pathetic. At the end you only had one life point left! And how is it possible that you won using a Kuriboh?!"

"The theme song 'Fighting Kuriboh'!"

"It's 'Fighting Dreamers'! You moron! And since when did the Kuriboh have the special ability of using Rasengan?!"

"Oh quit complaining. I won, fair and square. Don't you agree, Dani?" Dani walks over to the scoreboard.

**Two Seconds Later:**

"Good God! Itachi, that's pathetic! You started with a million life points and after three minutes you only had one life point left! Neji might as well have duel led a cardboard box! How is it possible to lose 999,999 life points in three minutes?!"

"See, Dani agrees that I won!"

"No I don't!"

"Oh of course you do! Now, Neji finish your part of the bargain."

"Fine! Itachi is the greatest ninja that has ever lived and Sharingan is way better than Byakyuugan."

"The rest of it."

"And Itachi doesn't look at all like Sasuke."

"Now see don't you feel better?" Itachi asks walking into the kitchen to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Yes readers indeed Itachi has some sort of obsession with sandwiches. Neji just sighs wondering how it is possible that Itachi is the greatest ninja in Naruto. Dani looks over at Neji.

"Well Neji I can't have you sitting around here doing absolutely nothing so.."

"What?! But Itachi does absolutely nothing!"

"Well, he has some use...." Dani said while thinking: _Well not really, all he does is eat sandwiches all day and play Halo._

"Really? And what use would that be?" Itachi by now had finished making his PB&J and walks into the room.

"Hmmmm.. I heard my name. What?! Neji, you're still here? How come Dani hasn't thrown you back into the storyline yet? You can't just stay here doing absolutely nothing."

"Well you do absolutely nothing!"

"No, actually I take care of Dani's hamster, Neils."

"But you just killed him!"

"Well he shouldn't have provoked me!"

"Here Neji you can work on this." Dani hands Neji the Book of Ten Million Impossible Crosswords Volume # 1. "This should keep you occupied." Neji again sat at the abnormally small coffee and opened the book with a confused chipmunk look.

"A Three letter word for something that says meow?"

"Yeah that's one of the harder ones." Itachi said dreamily looking at Neils' body, wondering what hamster sandwiches taste like.

"Don't worry they get harder as you go." Dani said with an evil laugh. "They get so impossible that your brain will fry just thinking about it. You will wither away and die because they are so..."

"Done!" Neji yelped, handing Dani the completed crossword book.

"There are more crossword books in the closet." Dani pointed to said closet which was overflowing with crossword books. So anyway on with the supposed storyline; Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura make their way to the exam room where they meet numerous unremarkable ninjas. But in this version of Naruto, Kabuto got the wrong description of Sasuke. Instead of stalking Sasuke, he decides to stalk Hinata.

"You, little boy! You're part of team seven, aren't you?"

"No! I'm from team eight and I'm not a boy!"

"Great! Now you're able to use the Sharingan aren't you?"

"What?! No, I use Byakyuugan!"

"Now that that's settled, tell me; is it true you're going to kill your elder brother because he killed your whole clan?"

"I don't have an elder brother! And who could kill the entire Hyuuga clan?!"

"Well Itachi, your elder brother, of course!"

"What?! I already told you I don't have an elder brother!"

"Well obviously the trauma has caused you to forget your clan being massacred. Now don't take this the wrong way but I'm going to follow your team and observe you to see if you have the perfect body for my master Orochimaru. So is that alright with you?"

"What?! Kiba help! This guy's creepy me out!"

"Well I knew you'd agree!"

"Hmmmmm... What did you say Hinata?" Yes in this version of Naruto, Kiba is a major Dungeons and Dragons player. "Akamaru! That ham sandwich obviously has only two hit points left!" Akamaru, the Dungeon Master, is apparently winning. "Hinata you're going to have to repeat what you said. I couldn't hear you because the incompetent DM seems to think that a ham sandwich can beat my Human Mage that happens to be a level 14."

"Arf! Arf!" Akamaru barks at Shino who is being forced to play as an Elven Maiden.

"Yes Akamaru we realize that it's a ham sandwich of smiting."

"Kiba! Shino! This guy seems to think that I'm Sasuke!"

"Well that's nice Hinata, just tell him to go away. And afterwards come and play D&D. We might need your Ogre Warrior to beat this ham sandwich." While this is being said, Akamaru is handing Kabuto a character sheet. Hey if he's stalking Hinata he might as well make himself useful and help defeat the evil army of ham sandwiches. Well team eight is busy preparing for the onslaught of the evil sandwich army, the other teams have entered the exam room.

"Now remember young Padawans, ten questions there shall be. The tenth question, shown later it will. Start the other nine questions, you can. Answer incorrectly, fail you will. And.. Ummm..And something about teamwork." Yes the first examiner, Ibiki, unfortunately speaks like Yoda; it's been a problem he's had since childhood. We all know how much you wanted Yoda in this story but alas it is not so. But since Sasuke is a hardcore Star Wars fan he actual believes that Ibiki is Yoda.

"Yoda! I thought you died in the third movie! Sakura! Can you believe it?! He's Alive! When he died, I couldn't stop crying!" Sakura after being told this amazing revelation:

"You cried?! I thought it was because your brother threw the coffee table at you."

"What? What coffee table?" Alas since Sasuke is an utter retard he will never know that his brother hated Star Wars so much that he attempted to assassinate the TV but his aim was off due to the distraction of a kumquat sandwich.

"That's not true! Dani's stupid hamster, Neils, bit me! I would never get distracted by such an inferior sandwich! Honestly, who would eat a kumquat sandwich?"

"Well, it's not my fault you'd eat anything that moves! If you can write this story any better then why don't you write it!"

"Really?! Don't mind if I do."

"Oh no ya don't. Neji make sure Itachi doesn't do anything stupid!" Neji glances down at the now completed Book of Ten Million Crosswords Volume # 73,984 and chunks it at Itachi but due to his incredibly fast reflexes, Itachi dodges it and the book hits Dani's potted plant, Mervin. Itachi laughs at the pulverized remains of the potted plant and skips off to the kitchen to make himself a honey and marshmallow sandwich.

"Good thing Mervin was already dead." Neji added while picking up the next volume in the Book of Ten Million Impossible Crosswords.

Well needless to say the first nine questions of the Chuunin Exam were incredibly easy for everyone except Sasuke and Ibiki proceeded to the tenth question.

"Answer the tenth question incorrectly no longer be a ninja, you will. The tenth question is... What is your name?"

"Whoa! No wonder if you answer the question incorrectly you'll no longer be a ninja. You'd no longer be classified as intelligent!" Naruto said while rolling a d20 dice to climb a wall. Needless to say everyone passed this ridiculously easy question; Sasuke still had trouble with the question but passed all the same.

"Now to the Forest of Death!" Anko screamed as she entered the room.


	3. Chapter 3

**/ Review if you want this is just a crack pot story that I do for fun or to avoid work /**

"Now to the Forest of Death!" Anko screamed as she entered the room. None of the examinees appear to be paying attention and are completely absorbed in the D&D game.

"For goodness sake! You people are ninjas not RPG'ers!" Anko uses Katon Gyoukyu no Jutsu and incinerates half the game board. All the examinees immediately follow Anko to the Forest of Death in fear that their character sheets would be destroyed by the homicidal Jounin.

"Now your teams are going to receive either a scroll of Heaven or a scroll of Earth. Make sure you keep the identity of your team's scroll a secret because the entire point of this part of the exam is to get both of the Heaven and Earth scrolls and to make your way to the Fortress in middle of the Forest of Death. Now send one of your team members to retrieve your scroll."

"I'll get it!" Sasuke screams while grabbing his team's scroll but since he is an utter retard he can't keep it a secret for longer than two seconds. "Wow! The scroll of Heaven! Look Sakura! The scroll of Heaven!" Needless to say everyone now knows which team to attack if they need the scroll of Heaven. Now you all are probably wondering what is happening with team eight. While Shino is getting his team's scroll Kabuto is still pestering Hinata.

"Now how old were you when you first starting using the Sharingan?"

"For the last time, I can't use the Sharingan!"

"Well boy you might want to start working on that! How can you possibly think that Orochimaru would want your body if you don't even use the Sharingan?"

"Kiba protect me from this crazy man!" Kiba totally ignores Hinata as he continues to argue with Akamaru over the effects of a freezing fire spell. Tenten and Lee are trying to find the whereabouts of their lost teammate; if only they knew that at that exact moment Neji had just completed the Book of Ten Million Impossible Crosswords Volume # 187,569. After several minutes Naruto and Sakura manage to finally shut Sasuke up and proceeded into the Forest of Death. Now this is where the story really gets interesting! Orochimaru who happens to have the correct description of Sasuke, unlike Kabuto, intercepts team seven and successfully ambushes Sasuke.

**Fight Scene Five:**

Sasuke, wielding a kunai like a madman, asks Orochimaru for the secret password to see whether he is a friend or foe.

"Ummmm.. Pink bunny slippers are my friends?" Orochimaru randomly guesses.

"I didn't even know if we have a secret password so there!" Let's just say that Sasuke sucks at being a ninja and Orochimaru manages to put the cursed seal on Sasuke's neck quoting from the original storyline. _Sasuke has Sharingan potential that can even surpass Itachi's._

"What?" Itachi screamed succeeding in spitting out half of his bologna sandwich. "Dani you can't put that in the story! It's not even true! Your incompetence has gone on for long enough! I will now write the story!" Itachi grabs the keyboard from Dani and the fight for the computer keyboard commences. Both Dani and Itachi attempt to write the story simultaneously. Orochimaru lied... Sasuke is a... bitter hag... Incompetent fool will definitely kill never had any chip cookies I like sandwiches. What? aslkfehwi892759348os 1948)&*)(83104-0(*(*(**^%$#... [;[.^*&%^&%$%^#%^%&^^*&^%&%$^%[wg8i9uwif^^*^#...eiornoiusgyiud... Itachi by now has Dani by the throat and is shoving her down the kitchen sink. Neji distracted from the Book of Ten Million Impossible Crosswords Volume # 235,894 looks up to see that no one's apparently writing the story. Truly delighted at this fortuitous opportunity starts to type the story.

Ha! The Incredible Byakyuugan User is now writing this story. Screw the Chuunin Exam. Now Gai-sensei's team, instead of participating in the Chuunin Exam is now stranded on an island and is confused as to their whereabouts. Gai-sensei being an absolute fruitcake begins shouting about the wonders of youth while Rock Lee is bawling. Then a thunderous crash is heard.

"Oh my gawd! Look Gai-sensei!" Lee points a massive army of black dragons all of which appear to have Byakyuugan eyes. Tenten begins to cry and hopes Itachi... I mean Sasuke, the Itachi look alike, would come to save her.

"Ow! What the hell? Itachi where'd you come from?" Itachi is glaring menacingly at Neji and shoves him off the chair and starts typing.

Now the real author of the story is in charge. Screw Gai-sensei and the Byakyuugan dragons. Tenten is struck with strepdicacus for her insolence. At the Chuunin Exam Sasuke's hair suddenly catches fire and Sakura gets mauled by a bear. Naruto shouts:

"I will join forces with Itachi, the Great Master of the Mangekyou Sharingan and I will give him all of Kyuubi's power!" Orochimaru is bowing to a nearby tree, believing it to be his true master.

"Yes of course Itachi is more powerful than Sasuke, how could I think otherwise." Dani by now had unstuck herself from the kitchen sink. Truly infuriated that Itachi would dare shove her, the greatest author that has ever lived, down a kitchen sink and begins to arm herself against Itachi. Neji, angered at the fact that he's no longer writing the story, grabs the Book of Ten Million Impossible Crosswords Volume # 1,268,974 and throws it at Itachi. Itachi is totally stunned that a pathetic Byakyuugan user would dare throw something at him, but due to his incredibly fast reflexes manages to dodge the projectile and goes into the kitchen to make himself some comfort food. Yes you guessed it, a tomato and pastrami sandwich. Neji happily again types the story.

Ahem now back to Gai-sensei and the totally awesome dragons. Lee begins running around in circles screaming:

"Too bad Neji wasn't here! Being the greatest ninja in the world he'd know what to do!"

Tenten is hugging an Itachi plushie while Gai-sensei is trying to convince the dragons to participate in his bake sale for his 'Where in the World Is Carmen San Diego?' cause.

"What?" Itachi screamed munching on his TP sandwich and grabs Neji by his sweater and throws him into the other room and starts to type the story.

Absolute retard! Greatest ninja in the world, my ass! Naruto, Itachi's faithful minion, attacks Lee for such an absurd statement.

"Die, you moron! Itachi is the greatest ninja that has ever lived!" Sasuke by now has lit half of Konoha on fire with his hair and Sakura is running for dear life from a stampede of Wildebeests. Orochimaru is chasing a squirrel up a tree screaming about sadistic rodents that harvest people's organs.

"Mwuuhahahah! Prepare to die, Itachi!"

"Hmmmmmm..." Itachi glances over to see Dani wielding an A-5 paintball gun which she stole from her brother, Aaron, and a plastic light saber. Click. Click.

"What the? This damn paintball gun doesn't even work!" Dani throws the A-5 at the wall which causes it to shatter into 10,000 pieces.

Dani lunges at Itachi while flaying the light saber like a baton. Itachi who not only possess incredibly fast reflexes but also happens to be incredibly fast in general runs behind Dani and easily disarms her of the light saber, grabs her by her Yu-Gi-Oh T-shirt and flings her into the closet. Dani who happens to be incredibly dumb bangs on the door not realizing that it's not locked.

"Itachi, you bastard! Unlock this door or I'll destroy you!" Since throwing deranged authors into closets can make a person very hungry, Itachi hurries off into the kitchen to make himself a corned beef sandwich. "Oh Neji! Please unlock the closet door and let the kind, modest and not at all evil author out."

"You know since you forced me to do all these crossword books I don't think I will."

"What? You butthole! Let me out!"

"You know it's not even locked." Dani who has the remarkable ability of ignoring anything marginally intelligent continues to try and pick the lock on the door. Itachi by now has come back from his sandwich eating endeavor to find that Dani has still not figured out how to use the doorknob.

"She's still in there?"

"Itachi, thank God, you're here! Please let me out. I am not at this very moment plotting to kill you. I swear!" Itachi's thoughts: _Well she swore not to kill so... _Itachi opens the closet door but given that Dani is a horrible liar, runs at Itachi with a can of sardines.

"Why thank you Dani, I was looking for that!" Itachi grabs the can of sardines and goes off to the kitchen to make himself a ketchup and sardine sandwich. Due to Dani's incredibly short attention span, she totally forgets about killing Itachi and glances at the computer screen.

**Two Seconds Later:**

"Ahhhhhh! What did you guys do?" Dani screams while preparing to throw the mouse pad at Neji.

"It was Neils. You should really have him go to obedience school."

"Stupid rodent! I should have Itachi kill the damn thing! Itachi, kill Neils! Stupid hamster nearly destroyed my beloved story." Itachi glances up from his avocado and bell pepper sandwich.

"Didn't I already kill him?"

Well anyway the actual author is here and will write the actual story. Miraculously all the Byakyuugan dragons have flown off and Konoha is no longer on fire. Naruto is middle of nowhere wearing an 'Itachi for President' T-shirt. All the girls in Konoha are wondering where they can get said T-shirt. For the sake of the readers we are going to skip to the preliminary matches. All of the examinees are assembled before the Hokage. The third Hokage stands up and starts to blabber on about who knows what.

"Now everyone, if you don't want to join the preliminary matches, just raise your hand." Kabuto raises his hand while thinking: _This Sasuke kid sure is ridiculously dumb. He can't even use the Sharingan and he even seems to think that he can use Byakyuugan. _Hinata notices that Kabuto has raised his hand and will no longer be stalking her.

"Thank God, Kiba let's celebrate! The psycho's leaving!" Hinata grabs Akamaru and begins to tango with him.

"What? You can't leave! We were about to engage the Ogres of the Fortress of Darkness! Hinata, stop abusing the DM!" Kabuto quickly runs off. _Why Orochimaru would want such a fool for his body is beyond me. And that's the last time I play D&D with a dog as DM. Damn thing cheats!" _Kiba rolls a d20 dice to see if Akamaru is released from Hinata's tango grapple.

"What? Critical miss? Sorry Akamaru but for the next 20 turns you must be with Hinata!" Shino grabs Akamaru and throws him at Kiba.

"Moron! This is real life! You don't need to roll dice!" Kiba looks at Shino as if he just told him that the sky is purple.

"He's trying to brainwash me; I must make a will save."

Now you all are probably wondering what the other teams are doing.


	4. Chapter 4

**/ Review if you want this is just a crack pot story that I do for fun or to avoid work /**

Well Tenten is still selling Itachi paraphernalia. Lee is following Gai's orders and is trying to sell cupcakes to Chouji. But what? In this story Chouji's a health freak?  
"Now they're fat free cupcakes, right?" Shikamaru in this version is still incredibly lazy and is trying to raise his hand to give up but is being hogtied by Ino who for some strange reason joined the Boy Scouts when she was young just so she could learn the 30,000 different ways to tie knots.

"Ino, stop! I don't want to become a Chuunin! And I know how to untie knots!"

"Be quiet! You'll never untie my knots! That's how I earned my first merit badge in the Boy Scouts!"

"What? You're not even a boy. How did you manage that?"

"Probably the same way that Kabuto seems to think that Hinata's a boy!"

Well anyway on to the sand ninjas.

"Gaara, stop!" Temari and Kankuro are holding on to Gaara's gourd while trying to stop him. Now you all are wondering, stop him from what? From buying Lee's cupcakes? No! From mauling Lee for even thinking about selling him stupid fat free cupcakes? No! From buying The Adventures of the Amazing Itachi comic series from Tenten? No! From killing Sasuke? Perhaps but no! They are trying to stop him from playing D&D with Kiba. Yes Gaara is also a major D&D'er, in fact he is such a major D&D'er that he will kill everyone to verify his existence except for Kiba and Akamaru. Now you all are wondering how do we know that Gaara isn't just trying to kill Kiba? Well, you asked for it.

**Flashback:**

Back in the Forest of Death part of the Chuunin Exam, Gaara is mercilessly killing other ninjas when team eight shows up. And just when Gaara is about to kill them as well, Kiba rolls a d20 dice to see if his attack surpassed Gaara's armor class.

"You play D&D too?"

"Of course! Why wouldn't I?"

"I know! Kankuro and Temari hate playing D&D! I thought I was the only one left after the Uchiha massacre." Now you all are like 'What the heck?'. Well you see the Uchiha clan in this story are not known for being a police force but a clan of major D&D'ers. And you all wondered why Itachi killed off his entire clan; it was because of their creepy obsession with D&D.

Inside Dani's house, Itachi is unconsciously strangling Neji while having a flashback.

**Flashback:**

"Come on Itachi, the games about to start!" Itachi's father walks in handing Itachi what appears to be a singed character sheet.

"Didn't I burn that horrid thing?"

"Well don't worry son; I managed to salvage it! You should be more careful with it son. A person's character sheet is more important than his life!" Itachi's father grabs Itachi by his shirt and throws him into the clan's meeting area where all the clan members are preparing to play D&D.

"Father, I can't play D&D! I have a very important mission for the ANBU!"

"Actually, no you don't! The Hokage has decided that since so many ANBU and Jounin are playing D all the missions would be postponed until tomorrow! The Hokage said he might even play D&D as well!" Meanwhile Sasuke is trying to decide whether he should be an Elven Maiden or a Wood Nymph.

"What do you think, brother?"

"AAHHHHHH!"

**End Flashback:**

Itachi by now is foaming at the mouth and looks thoroughly upset. Looking like he's going to cry, Itachi runs into the kitchen to make himself a comforting grilled cheese sandwich.

"Now look at what you've done Neji! Itachi's thoroughly upset! You know how sensitive he is about his family's creepy D&D obsession!" Neji is massaging his now severely bruised neck.

"What? You were the one that brought it up!"

"Neji, pinning the blame on someone else isn't going to help any."

"Dani!" Itachi runs into the room with a murderous look in his eyes. "Why is the refrigerator locked?" Dani who is still as dumb as a rock does not realize that she has about three seconds to live.

"First of all you PMSy nincompoop, five seconds ago you were thoroughly upset; now you're angry? Second of all, you and your sandwich eating sprees are eating me out of house and home! Maybe you should be more like Neji! He hardly eats anything!" Well that was stupid! No one has ever told a Sharingan user that they should be more like a Byakyuugan user and lived to tell the tale. Itachi's thoughts: _Did she just tell me to be more like Neji, that geek that does crosswords all the time? _Neji's thoughts: _How dumb can she be? We already know that Itachi PMS'es and is emotionally unstable. He's a ticking time bomb! Why did she even mention me? Now Itachi will crush me just like poor Neils! What did I do to deserve this? Couldn't she have just told Itachi to be more like Gai or maybe Lee. That way I don't get involved. _Itachi grabs Dani by her shirt and decides that her very thick head can be used as a battering ram to open the refrigerator. Neji, seeing this wondrous opportunity, begins to again write the story.

I Neji will now write the fight scenes for the preliminary matches. The first match is Sasuke versus some random guy.

"I don't think that I should fight. This cursed seal is really bothering me." Sasuke says while pointing to what appears to be a temporary tattoo. Sakura kicks Sasuke into the fighting arena. _Stupid retard! All Orochimaru did was give him a temporary tattoo and now he thinks it's a cursed seal. _Yoroi, the random guy, begins to steal Sasuke's chakara. Sasuke, being an utter retard, curls up into the fetal position and starts to cry.

"Owwwww! That hurts! Leave me alone! Mommmyy!"

"Geez and you call yourself a ninja? You think that you can defeat your brother with such pathetic skills?" Sasuke is still on the floor, bawling. "And I thought you were a ninja genius? All you are is an utter retard! Oh and I lied! I hate Star Wars! It's horrible! And Yoda was the worst character in the world! He deserved to die!" Random guy you should not have done that! You can do almost anything to Sasuke but the one thing you do not do is insult Yoda; that's just suicidal. After that outburst the room darkened and Sasuke's chakara turned demonic and the temporary cursed seal tattoo activated. Run random guy, run! Sasuke's going to kill you!

**Five Seconds Later:**

Random guy is on the ground two millimeters from death. Yes people never insult Yoda in Sasuke's presence, that is hazardous to your health; sort of like mentioning to Itachi his clan's obsession with D&D.

"That must mean you want to die Neji!" Itachi said, glaring at Neji while holding a cannellini and apricot sandwich.

"Dude, how can you possibly eat that? That looks disgusting!"

"It's not as bad as those nasty ass kumquats that Dani claims to have the mineral Xephanon-5."

"Actually they do. Xephanon-5 is the mineral that keeps a person's eye doutsu functioning. Speaking of which, where is Dani?"

"Oh, passed out on the couch."

"How did that happen?"

"Had to get the refrigerator open somehow. Dani kindly volunteered to be used as a battering ram."

"Shouldn't we take her to the hospital?"

"Nah! She's pretty resilient. She can sleep it off. Now move over, I'm writing the story now."

"What? No! I got here first! Go make yourself another sandwich!"

"Actually, I'm not really hungry." All over Konoha there is a stunned silence. Did the readers just hear correctly. Itachi wasn't hungry? But that's impossible! Itachi is always eating!

"You're not hungry? But that's impossible! You're always eating!" Neji's jaw flies to the floor. Dani who just woke up from her comatose state again becomes unconscious after hearing that Itachi wasn't hungry.

"Hmmm! Great! You people just made me hungry again! Thanks alot Neji! I wasn't hungry five seconds ago. But now I am! You just had to bring it up didn't you? When I come back from eating a sandwich, I'm going to use Tsukiyomi against you!" Just then Dani comes into the room with an ice cream sandwich. Itachi shoves Dani into the wall, steals her ice cream sandwich and leaves the room.

"But I thought he wasn't hungry! The only time I actually get to eat my own food but no! I live with a geek that only does crossword puzzles and a PMSy bottomless hole. Why? All I wanted was an ice cream sandwich!"

"It's not my fault I have to do crossword puzzles. You forced me to do them!"

"Neji, stop blaming other people for your geeky tendencies!" Dani walks over to stare at the computer screen to type the rest of her beloved story.

**15 Hours Later:**

"Amazing! I have the ability to type when I'm unconscious! Neji look at my masterpiece! The fight scene with Sasuke and that random guy. Absolutely brilliant! Maybe I should write more stories when I'm unconscious." Neji grimaces from behind the Book of Ten Million Impossible Crosswords Volume # 538,679,956. _That moron! I wrote that part of the story!_

Back to the main storyline. The preliminary matches are over and the winners are given a month to train for the third part of the Chuunin Exam. Kakashi and Gai are playing rock, paper, scissors to see who gets to train Sasuke.

"He's your student! You should train him! I have my own student to train!"

"You can't possibly mean Neji! He's been missing for a week! He shouldn't even be in the final match! Now come on Gai, I don't want to train Sasuke. He's an utter retard! Now he thinks that that temporary tattoo is a cursed seal that will give him power to kill his brother. He even had me seal it so that it wouldn't supposedly devour his body! If I win, you have to train him!"

"Actually you just reminded me. I have to form a search team to find Neji, my beloved missing student! He's probably in some alley alone, lost, scared and wishing that his beloved sensei would find him!" Gai runs off in a frenzy to find genin to recruit to help him find a lost and scared Neji. Kakashi turns to Kurenai but instead finds a bowl of potato salad.

"No! Why must I train that utter retard! Wait a moment! I have another student that I have to train! And I can only train one student at a time! Now who should I train... Naruto or Sasuke... The decision is sooo hard to decide..." Kakashi starts to sprint towards Naruto. "Yes, who to train? Naruto or Sasuke? How ever will I decide?" Kakashi quickens his pace towards Naruto. "Naruto or Sasuke? The decision is sooo hard..." Kakashi grabs Naruto by his orange vest and runs away screaming: "I'll never train you, you brain-dead monkey!"

**Five Hours Later:**

Kakashi and Naruto are in middle of a desert to train for the final matches.

"Sensei, why are we in the middle of the desert?" An all too familiar voice asks. Kakashi turns around to see not Naruto as he had hoped but Sasuke in Naruto's cloths.

"What? Why are you in Naruto's cloths?"

"Oh well you see, I thought that my brother was after me so I forced Naruto to trade cloths with me. Good thing you realized that I was in Naruto's cloths and decided to train me instead of that brain-dead monkey, Naruto." Kakashi starts to pop aspirins into his mouth hoping to OD on them. The real Naruto meanwhile is trying to find a sensei to train him.

"Great! No one will want to train me while I'm wearing Sasuke's cloths."

"Don't worry, I'll train you! But just make sure you don't wear those hideous cloths! You look way too much like Uchiha Itachi, my last student!" said an old man who is you guessed it, Jiraiya! And yes he was Itachi's sensei at one point. We all wondered who taught Itachi.

"Excuse me, but how do I at all look like Itachi? We don't look at all alike!"

"What are you talking about? You look exactly alike!" Yes people it's the cloths. Ever heard the saying 'cloths make the man'. Well these cloths tended to make the man look exactly like Itachi. "Well anyway boy that looks an awfully lot like my previous student, let us train!"

"Wasn't your previous student the fourth Hokage?"

"Well yes of course! Itachi was the fourth Hokage! Dumb boy, where have you been? To think that my poor student sacrificed his life to save Konoha from Kyuubi and this is the recognition he gets! Boy, don't they teach you any history at that academy?"

"Sir, Itachi wasn't the fourth Hokage. All he did was massacre the entire Uchiha clan except for that dumbass, Sasuke. And he became an S-class level ninja! You know, a bad guy!"

"How dare you! Little boy, you obviously have my student confused with that Hyuuga clan massacre!" Yes people, in this version, Jiraiya is not only a pervert but he's also senile.

"What? The Hyuuga clan's still alive!"

"What? No they aren't! They were killed by that Hyuuga prodigy, Neji! That's why he went missing!"

"What? He's been missing for a week! The Uchiha clan has been dead for years!"

"Well whatever. For looking so much like my previous student, you don't seem to have inherited any of his talents; mainly respect for the elderly! On second thought, I don't think that I'll train you!"

"Why would I want to be trained by such a senile old man! Now if you'll excuse me but I have to go find my sensei."

"You mean Kakashi? Well, he's in middle of the desert training that utter retard, Sasuke."

"How the hell do you know that?"

"I have very good informants. Now come boy, we must find out how well you can use Kyuubit's chakara!"

"Don't you mean Kyuubi?"

"Ahhh! Kyuubi, the rat demon. Didn't my previous student, Itachi, seal him inside you?"

"He's a fox demon! And the fourth Hokage sealed the nine-tails inside me!"

"Well anyway, Naraku. Let's go!"

"My name's Naruto!"

"That's what I said, Nafrito! Now stop arguing with me. We must practice chakara control!" Jiraiya grabs Naruto by his barely there Itachi wear cloths and runs into the middle of the forest. Meanwhile with the Neji search team.


End file.
